"The Lord has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy"    
--Psalm 126:30

    Said the elder priest, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first." The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir." "So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"
   "Well," said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive through confessional and the flashing neon sign which reads Toot 'n' Tell or Go to Hell!!!"

    A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry? "Sixteen," the boy responded His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.

    After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up in front and yell, than to sit and listen."

    A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

    A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

    A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?

    After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home> > in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
     Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys.

    Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.

    The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

    A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trapdoor and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through.
The play was well received.> > > When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stage hand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

   Six year old Angie and her 4-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel jiggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally Angie had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church," "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

    Sooner or Later, we were bound to come across these gems-- so bad they are funny:

 How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
 They Take The Psycho Path.

  What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
  A Stick.

  What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
  Nacho Cheese.

  What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
  Subordinate Clauses.

  What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
   Spoiled milk

  What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
  Frostbite.

  What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
  A Nervous Wreck.

  Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
  Right Where You Left Him.

  What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
  Sanka.

  Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
  Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

    A pregnant woman gets into a car accident. Her injuries cause her to fall into a coma for many months. When she wakes up, she realizes she is no longer pregnant. Now she frantically asks about her baby.
    The doctor gives her the news, she delivered twins. A boy and a girl. Both are fine. He adds, "your brother named them."
    Now this bothers her. Her brother is not too bright. "What is the girl's name?" she asks with some trepidation.
    "Denise."
    "Not a bad name. I like it," she says. "What is the boy's name?"
    "Denephew."

    A janitor was failing to perform the cleaning duties for the United Methodist Church. The board decided to fire him because of his performance of duties and because he was illiterate, could not read or write. The janitor decided to go into business for himself and much to everyone's surprise became quite successful.
    On one of his visits to his banker, the now wealthy former janitor confided that he was illiterate. "That's amazing," said the banker. "Just imagine where you would be if you had learned to read and write."
    "Yes, I'd still be a janitor at the United Methodist Church.

 Asked what the difference is between a tax collector and a taxidermist, Mark Twain replied: "A taxidermist only takes the skin."

    While handing a 50 cents-off coupon to the supermarket clerk, the shopper dropped the coupon, which slipped under the counter and was gone. The checker looked distressed, but the shopper said, "That's all right, its in coupon heaven now."
    "Coupon heaven?"
    "Yes, that's where coupons go when they die."
    Then the checker replied, "But only when they are redeemed.."

    Two pals were sitting in a pub watching the late news. A report comes on about a man threatening to jump from the top of a building. One man says to the other, "I'll bet you 10 bucks the guy doesn't jump."
    "It's a bet," the other replies.
    A few minutes latter the news shows the man jumping. The loser pulls out $10 to pay the bet. The winner says, "I can't take your money. I saw him jump earlier on the 6 p.m. news.
    "Me too," says the buddy. "But I didn't think he would do it again.

    The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the
church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering.  He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and  him."

    The chief rabbi of Jerusalem visited the Pope at the Vatican. As the Pope was showing the rabbi around, the rabbi noticed an antique telephone sitting on the desk. "What's that phone for?" the rabbi asked. "I use that to call God." "Can I try it? asked the rabbi. The Pope nodded. After a short call to God, the Pope said, "You owe $42.00 for the call."
    A few months later, the Pope paid a visit to Jerusalem. The rabbi warmly welcomed him and showed him the sights. At the rabbi's office, the Pope noticed an antique phone. "Do you use this phone? he asked. "Certainly do. I use it to talk with God, " replied the rabbi. "Can I?" asked the Pope. The rabbi nodded and the Pope talked with God. The call went on for over an hour. Afterwards, the rabbi asked for twenty-five cents. "Twenty-five cents?" said the Pope. "Why is it cheaper here in Jerusalem."
    "Here its a local call."

        Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence.............

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures.
But perhaps the most compelling evidence that JESUS WAS A WOMAN:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT!
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

     A thought: "On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said, 'Let's see the evolutionists figure this one out.'"

       A husband and wife died and took different routes to their eternal destiny. When she got to heaven, she called her husband on the telephone. "How do you like it down there?"
    "Fine," he said. "All we do is wear a red suit with horns and then shovel some coal on the fire. We don't work more than two hours a day. Tell me, how is it with you?"
    "We are very busy. Up by four in the morning to gather the stars, haul in the moon and then hang out the sun," she replied. "We even have to roll those clouds all day long."
    "How come you have to work so hard?" he asked.
    "To tell you the truth, we don't have much help up here."

    A new resident of Bronxville was approached by her neighbor's dog, which appeared at the door and politely asked for a copy of the New York Daily News. Later that day, when she met the dog's owner, the newcomer expressed her amazement at the dog's abilities. "Don't let that mutt fool you," replied the owner. "All he does is look at the comics."

    A soldier was sentenced to be flogged as punishment for a crime. As the soldier was led to the flogging field, he began to laugh. His laughter was almost convulsive. Although many snickered, the flogging took place, the man continuing to laugh.
    When the punishment was over, the officer in charge bellowed at this soldier, "What's so funny about a whipping? I don't think this is a joke."
    "Why the jokes on you," said the slap-happy soldier. "I'm the wrong man."

    A Sunday School teacher required that his class memorize the 23rd Psalm. A week or two later, the class was to recite the psalm to receive a prize. One student stood to recite the classic lines. As he did, everyone in attendance smiled at his first line and its interpretation. "The Lord is my shepherd--and that's all I need to know.!"

    A Sunday school teacher told her students about the story of the Good Samaritan, in which he was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She was quite vivid with her details. She then asked the class, "If you saw a a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
    There was silence, then came a voice, "I think I'd throw up."

    A woman named Gladys began to attend a church. The minister in this church was a bit boring and long-winded. Many in the pews fell asleep. But Gladys, a vivacious person, kept attending. She approached one person in the pew after church, "Hello," she said with a smile on her lips and in her voice, "I'm Gladys Dunn."
    The man replied, "I'm glad he's done too."

    A highway patrol officer stopped a car, whose driver was weaving erratically over the road. The officer discovered the driver was a local preacher. After the standard impairment tests, the officer made a move to arrest the preacher. "On what charge? asked the minister. "All I have in the car is a bottle of water." The officer took the bottle, opened and smelled it. "Smells like wine to me." "Praise Jesus," exclaimed the preacher, "he did it again!"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over  who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus.

       After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

     A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

    A church in a small town learned that its new neighbor was to be an adult nightclub. The leaders were shocked. They prayed that the Lord would close this evil business--with a bolt of lightning, an earthquake, fire, floods, whatever--thereby freeing their wholesome town of sin.
    A week later, lightening struck the club, burning the building to the ground in a spectacular blaze. The leaders were elated. The club owner, though, brought the church to court, contending they were responsible. The church leaders pleaded innocent to the charge. They did not do anything wrong.
    The judge reviewed the case and the witnesses. As he began his verdict, he observed, "This is very interesting. Here we have a case of a nightclub owner who believes in prayer--and a church which doesn't.

    A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. after receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".
    The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed." "Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...." Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".
    Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.
    The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news. "The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion." "The bad news is that we are losing The Wonder Bread Account!"

    A guy was invited to an old friend's home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by an endearing term, honey, darling, etc.
    The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was in the kitchen, out of earshot, the guest remarked, "I think it's wonderful that after all these years you still call your wife those pet names.
    With an embarrassed look on his face, the whispered, "I forgot her name ten years ago.

    A church school teacher of pre-schoolers quizzed her class in an attempt to impress upon them the importance of the season for Christians.
    "Where is Jesus today?" he asked.
    Steve raised his hand and answered, "He's in my heart."
    "He's in heaven." called out an excited Mary.
    Donnie raised his hand, stood up and said, "Jesus is in our bathroom."
    The teacher was stunned. The class laughed, as classes of that age do so easily. "What do you mean, 'he's in the bathroom?'" He asked.
    "Well," Donnie replied, "Every morning my father goes to the bathroom door and begins banging it with his hand and yells, 'Good Lord, are you still in there?'"

        Something to think about: Thomas Edison said that genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. I hate to think of anyone that sweaty handling electricity.
    Something more to think about: The world is full of people who want to live forever but don' t know how to spend a rainy Sunday afternoon.

    "Doctor, you must do something about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator," said the wife to the doctor.
    "That's terrible."
    "You're telling me. He sleeps with his mouth open, and the light keeps me awake all night."

    The coach was commenting on a disastrous season,  trying to be optimistic. "We are sure to improve," he said./ " We lost all ten games this season. Next season we have only nine games scheduled."

    Two very rich but corrupt and evil brothers attended the same church. One of the brothers died. The surviving brother sought out the pastor before the funeral service.
    "I have only one condition for this gift to pay for that new church building you are planning," the grieving brother stated. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor swallowed hard and agreed.
    The next day at the funeral service, the pastor began the eulogy declaring, "_______, I regret to say, was an evil man. He cheated on his wife, abused his children, betrayed his friends, and was selfish egotist. But compared to his brother, he was a saint."

    Riding in a car, a group of men were heading to hunt bear. They came to a fork in the road that read, "Bear Left." So they went home.

    A helicopter just rescued 11 people,  ten men and one woman, who are now dangling from a rope. The pilot calls down, "Too much weight! Some one better jump. Now!"
    Stunned by the news nobody lets go. Then the woman gave a really touching speech about how she, like so many other women before her, would sacrifice herself so the others could live.
    So moved were the men by this speech that they all started clapping.

    A United Methodist preacher and his wife retired. Seeking to enjoy his passion, which was denied in the busyness of the ministry, the man went fishing, by dropping his line into a bucket in the couple's living room. After a few weeks of this retiree's behavior--fishing in the living room--the concerned wife sought the help of a psychiatrist for her husband.
    "I see no trouble helping your husband," she said. "Bring him to me and in no time at all I will cure his delusions. He will stop fishing in the living room."
    "Oh, that may be a problem," said the wife. "We need the fish."

    A man brought his elderly father to a psychiatrist. "I'm worried, Doc," he said.  "My father has a junk wagon and a horse named Joe. But he's getting confused. He'll drive the poor horse down the street and say, 'Come on, Joe! Come on, Steve! Giddyap Sam.'"
    The psychiatrist turned to the junk man, "Your son says the horse's name is Joe."
    The old man nodded, "Certainly, it's Joe. But if he thought he was pulling the wagon all by himself, he'd quit long ago.

    Recently a robber attempted to pull off a heist at a United Methodist parsonage. The thief almost succeeded, but the light of the flashlight caught the sleeping minister's attention. The minister leaped out of bed and after a tussle, subdued the thief until the police arrived. The newspapers reported the incident, giving it front page, full headline banner attention.
    The following week an elderly parishioner came to the minister as the minister recounted again, for the umpteenth time, the incident. "...and I took the crook by throwing a half-nelson at him," the minister said. "Why pastor,  the parishioner said, "Thank  goodness you were lucky enough to have one in the room with you."

    Sally was at her wit's end over the bills and creditor letters. She began to pray, "O God, please let me win the $100,000 lottery tonight and pay my bills." That night she listened to the lottery report, but she did not win.
    Flustered but feeling hopeful, she again prayed, "Lord, you know the shape my finances are in. Please let me win the $100,000 lottery tonight." She eagerly listened to the report, but again failed to win.
    The next day she dropped to her knees and again began to pray to win the lottery. As she finished the prayer, clouds formed in the room, and light beamed from heaven upon her face. And then a voice asked, "Sally,  why are you praying to win the lottery?" "God," she said, "I need to pay my bills. Please, let me win today."
    "Sally," said God, "I'll meet you half way on this." "Yes Lord," she replied, "whatever you say."
    "Sally, if you want to win the lottery, first you have to buy a ticket."

    Members of the high school class of 1965 gathered for a reunion. One of the members remarked that she had been married four times. A number of classmates found that very odd. She explained that her first husband, a banker, died. Her second husband was an actor. The third was a minister. Her current husband is a funeral director.
    Many thought that was an odd assortment of occupations for her husbands. She winked when she summarized her marital relations, saying, "I think of it as one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."

    A newly rich Texas oil millionaire decided to build a new mansion with three swimming pools. One pool he kept filled with cool water and another with warm water. Third was kept empty. "A lot of my friends can't swim," he explained.

    A waiter become ill and was rushed to the hospital emergency room. He was lying on a stretcher, in great pain, feeling ignored in the busy unit. He saw an intern walk by and said, "Doctor, you have to help me."
    "Sorry," said the intern, "This isn't my table."

    "There is nothing in the world impossible to me," said the mental patient. " I've conquered space and time."
    "I'll bet you can't walk up on a beam of light from this flashlight," said another mental patient.
    "I could do it, but I won't!" said the first. "When I got halfway up you'd turn off the light, then where would I be.

    The story goes that one of James M. Whistler's long-suffering creditors met the painter on the street and said, "May I ask, Mr. Whistler, when you intend to pay me?'
    "Of course you may ask," replied the artist. " A man should never lose his curiosity."

       Sometimes our children can make some interesting interpretations of adult words and prayers in church.
    One four year old learned the Lord's Prayer and prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.
    A Sunday School teacher was teaching the Ten Commandments to his class. He would ask each student to repeat one of them each week. On the Sunday of the tenth commandment, Janie volunteered to recite, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
    A ten year old learned much from his grandmother about the Bible. One day he asked this question, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?
    A parent was teaching his child the Lord's prayer. The child began to recite the prayer from memory. The parent was very proud until he heard the daughter say, "Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. Amen.

            A church was beginning a fund-raising campaign to repair the dilapidated church roof. The wealthiest member of the church stood up and said, "I will start the campaign with a gift for $100.
    The words were no even out of her mouth when a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling, hitting her on the head. Looking dazed, she responded, "I mean $500."
    From the back of the room, a voice called, "Hit her again, Lord. Hit her again."

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    A church school teacher wanted to teach her class the biblical basis of giving. She asked each student to say a Bible verse when they put their gift in the plate. The next Sunday, Mary walked up and as she put her money in the plate she said, "It is more blessed to give than to receive." Joe went to put some coins in the plate. He said, "The Lord loves a cheerful giver." Next it was Vinnie's turn. As he dropped his money in the plate he recited his verse, "A fool and his money are soon parted."

        Little Susie called from her bed, "Daddy, I'm thirsty."
Her father called from the bedroom, "Be quiet and go to sleep." A little later, Susie again called out. "Dad, I'm thirsty. Please bring me a glass of water." "Susie, I'm trying to sleep. If you don't stop calling out, I'll come in your room and spank you." There was silence.
    Father nearly fell back to sleep when, "Daaaad, As long as your getting up, please bring me a glass of water."

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60^th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and Poof! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and poof! He was 90.

    Marvin went often to the race track, usually with very little to show for it.
    One day he noticed a priest blessing a horse. He went to the window, bet ten dollars. The horse won the race and Marvin won $100.
    Sensing a pattern, Marvin continued to follow the priest, bet on horses the priest blessed and won money.
    On the last day of the racing season, Marvin went to the bank, withdrew his life's savings, found the priest at the race track. After watching the priest, Marvin went to the window and placed his savings on the horse. At the race, the horse took off like a shot, rounded the first turn ten lengths ahead of the pack. Then the horse stumbled and died.
        Marvin was furious, sought out the priest and demanded to know what happened; having lost his life's savings on this horse.   
    "That's the trouble with you Protestants," said the priest. "You never can tell the difference between a blessing and list rites."

   Top Ten Ways the Bible would be different if it were written by  college students.
10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning cold.
9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria.
6. Paul's letter to the Romans become Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
5. Reason Can killed Abel: they were roommates.
4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they did not want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, God would have put it off until the night before and then pulled an all-nighter.

       A Minnesota businesswoman left the snows of northern Minnesota for a Key West vacation. Her husband was to follow for long weekend. After checking into the hotel, she decided to send a quick e-mail but discovered she could not find the address. From memory, and feeling rushed by the clock for an important meeting, she recalled it, sent a love message and ran to the meeting.
    Unfortunately, she missed a letter in the address. The message went to an elderly minister, whose husband had died on the day before. The grieving widow saw this message and nearly passed out.
    Dearest,  Just checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.  P.S. Sure is hot down here.

    Two boys were arguing about what their fathers were able to do. Said one, "You know the Atlantic Ocean? Well, my dad the the hole for it."
    "That's nothing," replied the other. "You know the Dead Sea? Well, my dad is the one who killed it."

          A Country Computer Guide comes from Karen Ann Bland. We could all get a chuckle from these.
    Log on--Making the woodstove hotter.
    Log off--Don't' add any more wood.
    Monitor--Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
    Download--Getting the firewood off the pickup.
    Megahertz--Happens when you're not careful downloading the pickup.
    Floppy disk--What you get from stacking too much firewood.
    Modem--What you did to the hay fields.
    Hard drive--How you get home in the winter season.
    Keyboard--Where you hang your car keys.
    Software--Plastic eating utensils.
    Laptop--Where the little kids feel comfy.

    A young man, walking home late one night, decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. In the low light he tripped and fell into a newly dug grave. Several minutes later a drunk strolled by and heard a voice calling from below, "I'm freezing down here!"
    The drunk walked over to the fresh pit, peered over the edge and said, "No wonder. You kicked your dirt off."

   A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check  up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her  throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants

          A man dropped in to pay a friend an unexpected visit, and was amazed to find him playing chess with a dog. The man watched in silence for a few minutes, then burst out with, "That's the most incredible dog I ever saw in my life!" "He, he isn't so smart," was the answer. "I've beaten him three games out of four."

        The price of heating oil is rising. One company received a telephone call from a convent. "How much is the price going up?" asked the nun.
    Trying to be gentle, the sales official asked, "Are you sitting down, Sister?"
    The nun replied, "No. I'm kneeling"

    College sorority sisters met at the 40th class reunion. One had become very rich. The other had a reputation for very little ambition. Neither had seen or heard from each other for years. The successful asked her sister, "How is everything with you?"
    "Well one day I opened the Bible at random and pointed to a word. It read, 'oil.' So I invested in oil and the wells gushed. Another time I blindly chose and pointed in the Bible to the word 'gold'. I invested heavily and the price rose to astounding levels. Now I'm worth nine figures."
    Later that night the successful one, a bit jealous of her sister's easy success and wealth, thought she would try this Bible-stuff. She picked up a Gideon Bible, closed her eyes, opened the book and pointed. She opened her eyes and saw that her finger was resting on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

    Three guys stranded on a deserted island find a magic lantern. They rub it and a genie appears, who will grant them each a wish. The first wishes he were off the island, back home with his family. The guy disappears. The second wishes to be home also. He is gone. The third guy looks around the island, then mutters, "I'm lonely, I wish my friends were back here."

    An elderly man lay dieing in his bed, barely responsive. He became aware of the aroma of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. The aroma was too tempting. Though very weak he stumbled into the kitchen for what he thought was his last chocolate fix.
    On the table were the cookies, looking, smelling so good. He imagined he was a kid again. With a shaking hand he reached out for his last taste of this earthly delight. A spatula hit his hand. "Stay out of those cookies," his wife said, "they are for the funeral."

      Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. This has been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it!" I am setting up a test that will run for two hours. I'll judge who does the better job. The test began as Jesus and Satan sat at their keyboards typing away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. The wrote reports and sent them in faxes. They sent e-mail, with attachments, downloaded e-mail attachments, retrieving them with zip-drives. They did genealogies, made cards. They did every program known. About ten minutes before the end of the test, the clear skies grew ugly with a fierce storm. Rain fell and lightening flashed. Of course the electricity went off. The computers died. Satan looked at his blank screen and screamed every curse in the universe. Jesus just sighed. A few minutes later the electricity came back on. Both rebooted their machines. Satan began to scream and pull his hair out, his screen was blank, no data to be found. Jesus began to print all his files for examination. The two hours were up. Jesus was declared the better computer user. Satan was irate. He accused Jesus of cheating. God shrugged at the accusation by the sore loser. "Don't you know," God said, "Jesus saves.